The Fun Times of Death
by Loteva
Summary: Oneshot. Death-centric. Season 5. What happened to Death while Winchesters battled with demons and angels? How did he develop a liking to fast food? That and much more inside.


The Fun Times of Death

by Loteva

'Oh, hello Death' were the words Lucifer greeted me with in the mortal world. I merely glanced around, not lowering myself to answer the amoeba who thought itself so clever that by binding me it would make me an obedient servant. In reality these constraints were quite laughable, equally resistant to a thin link chain, but I decided against mentioning it.

I registered fallen archangel's attempt at small talk however didn't appear to be listening on purpose. My amusement stayed well hidden as I watched him growing frustrated with my apparently unnerving silence.

'Don't I deserve a little thanks for freeing you, Death?' he finally snapped.

'My gratitude has to be earned and you did not do anything special to warrant it.'

Lucifer spluttered, too surprised to articulate his thoughts in comprehensible manner. Like I said, amoeba.

'Nothing special? I performed the ritual to let you walk the earth and reap the souls by thousands!'

His misinformation wasn't just amusing – it was comical. Shame I had to keep appearances, otherwise I would be enjoying a good laugh at his expense. Oh, well, I can always commit this moment to memory for future reference.

'Who said I has not been doing it already?'

Watching Lucifer's face change expressions, although highly entertaining, quickly lost its appeal to me. I decided it was time to leave.

As if sensing my intent, the fallen one yelled out, 'Wait! I didn't give you permission to go!'

I took pity on him. 'I don't need your permission – or do you need it from worms whenever they feel like talking to you?'

It finally dawned on him that I was deeming him inferior to me – which, in fact, he was, I must add.

'I bound you! I am your master! You have no choice but to obey me!', he exploded.

I looked deeply into his enraged, red-flashing eyes unflinchingly. 'The only thing I am restrained from is killing you.'

Satisfied that I made my point and put the snot-nosed, bratty amoeba in its place I took my leave.

* * *

><p>After taking a closer look at the mortal plane of existence and some careful consideration, I saw it necessary to make some changes right away. First of all, my black silk robes, although fashionable a few centuries ago, were obviously out of style in the present. As Death, I have to inspire fear and command respect, and an impeccable appearance is vital to accomplish such an outcome. Moving with the times, I donned a black three-piece suit and a mat tie. With the ornamental, polished cane being a final touch, I was ready to go.<p>

As one of the Horsemen I had my trusted gray palfrey and with a thought it materialized in front of me. I took out from my pocket a cube of sugar and gave it to her. She nickered softly as if asking for more but I just patted her.

I stepped back so I could study the mare; she was built like any other horse but she was anything like. A subtle, silvery glow was emitted from her. Also I knew for a fact that she was faster than lightning.

Well, I don't do things halfway thus I had her morph into a car – classic Cadillac Eldorado 1959 with a flawless silver paint job, looking like taken straight from the motorcar factory.

I got into her immediately – I didn't have time for admiring the model I chose my palfrey to take (although I'm sure it has outclassed War's red Ford Mustang and when it comes to Famine's wheelchair there was no real competition). There was a job to be done.

I was loath to play a role in the apocalypse started by a hotheaded amoeba and a bunch of kids left alone home without parent's supervision but I resolved to be as prompt as possible in fulfilling my duties of a Horseman.

A few weeks after encounter with Lucifer found me very busy. Causing the cataclysms and reaping took all my time and energy. If the job entailed only that I wouldn't have any objections however the last part – raising of the dead – was too revolting as it stood against what I was. Whenever I had to do it, it left a bad taste in my mouth.

It was no wonder I wanted nothing else but a break.

* * *

><p>Losing demons trailing after me like lost puppies was a child's play – it only took hitting hard on the accelerator of my Princess and she obediently reached her full speed which was unachievable for any normal car. You could say that I left the pursuers in my dust – literally.<p>

When I was far enough – as in on the other side of the continent – I slowed down to human speeds so I could enjoy the scenery. Mortals perceived it as a wasteland, too hot and harsh to live in, a great emptiness that could render anyone insane if not for the freeway brutally tearing it in half, stretching to the horizon before me. For me it was a breath of freedom.

Usually I enjoyed silence but that time I tuned in the radio.

'Get your motor runnin'  
>Head out on the highway<br>Lookin' for adventure  
>And whatever comes our way...'<p>

I grinned and sang along, ending the song with dragged out 'Born to be wild'. Wasn't I on vacation? I certainly deserved to indulge myself especially in the precious moments without the annoyance of unwanted presences around me.

A sign post saying 'Las Vegas 150 miles' flashed outside the window.

Perfect. Or as close as it could be with the binds still in place.

* * *

><p>Unfortunately, my happy time alone didn't come as close to eternity as I would have preferred, not for the lack of trying on my part, of course. Sometimes it can be astounding how a thing like me, with so much power at disposal, has a seemingly endless supply of matters to attend to, leaving no time for personal entertainment. This time business found me again and regrettably it wasn't something I could afford to ignore.<p>

I pulled Princess in the parking lot outside a fast food restaurant. Others would think it strange that it was in the middle of nowhere but with the one inhabiting it I wasn't surprised. I knew him the longest and knew how he appreciated privacy.

Although I took time to stroll inside looking nonchalant it was no use. The person waiting for me could sense my irritation at having to cut short my road trip for him. Even if we didn't see each other in quite a bit.

The restaurant was empty, the only beings occupying it were us. He smiled warmly and beckoned me to join him at the counter. I obliged.

'Long time no see, Death, would you care for a meal?'

'What would I care for are answers, God,' I hissed.

'All in good time, my friend. I assure you it will be worth your while. For now just pick a table and make yourself at home. Then we'll talk.'

I found myself intrigued. What could he possibly be playing? After all it was his own decision not to interfere with the creation and I didn't believe it has changed. Why would he contact me now of all times? Could it be related to my current condition?

He chose that specific moment to interrupt my inner musings and come back from the kitchens carrying a tray with two plates, which he set carefully on the table. I looked disinterestedly at the cheeseburger and fries and focused entirely on my most gracious host as he took a seat across me.

'Come on, try it,' he encouraged me enthusiastically.

I regarded the cheeseburger with clear suspicion but took a tentative bite nonetheless. Then I looked at God hard. He just smiled happily and had a taste of his portion.

'Tasty, isn't it?', he asked.

'Indeed,' I replied shortly. I didn't want to waste time on small talk while I was having such a heavenly, mouth-watering meal in front of me. God's smile turned definitely smug by then but I no longer cared, too busy savouring a delicious, greasy, high-cholesterol, vein-blocking bomb of calories.

After I had polished my plate clean and drunk a coke, my mood was uplifted. However, besides offering me lunch, I knew he had a hidden agenda in bringing me there. He didn't keep me waiting.

'I heard you've gotten tied up recently,' he said bluntly.

It seemed my previous speculations weren't unfounded – it was about my state.

'Just as it was written millennia ago,' I replied evenly. 'The great plan comes along splendidly.'

'Not really.'

I raised an eyebrow.

'I didn't give a command to start it.'

And with that simple statement, all fell into place in my mind – all the little discrepancies, all the actions of angels and demons, the sense of something missing I couldn't quite put my finger on, even Lucifer! The lack of God's involvement explained his upbeat, over the top, demeanor. He just thought he had a real chance of winning!

'Your children are the biggest troublemakers in the universe. If only I did not doubt about its effectiveness, I would suggest spanking them.'

He laughed. Thinking back, it was funny I have just given him parenting advice, so I joined him.

'Speaking of my children,' God continued after our merriment subsided, 'one of them can give you crucial information needed for breaking these binds.'

'And you cannot do it why?', I had to ask.

'It's too soon, besides I thought you would want to get back to your vacation,' he winked at me.

'Going on business meetings does not fit in my definition of vacation.'

'Then you should reconsider. I was always for mixing business with pleasure, and there isn't better place to do so than Las Vegas,' he said cheerfully and clapped me on the shoulder. He was the only one who could do it without my permission (not that I would give it to anyone) and not suffer the consequences. He saw me out but when I tried to go, he stopped me. I looked at him expectantly.

'I've almost forgotten – there's good pizza in Chicago. You should try it.'

I filed away the information, it'll probably come in handy later.

While on the road, I glanced into the side mirror. The restaurant vanished, leaving no trace of its presence. I assumed God had lots of customers elsewhere, and with such delicious food I wasn't surprised.

Back inside Princess I resumed my journey.

Vegas, here I come!

* * *

><p>With every kilometer on Princess' counter, I inevitably grew closer to the city in the middle of a desert and had to tolerate the presence of mortals again. Well, not only them. As soon as I drove into the busy streets, I felt the unmistakable 'flavour', for lack of a better description, left only by the angels. In addition, it was too strong and condensed to belong to any of them but the most powerful and elite – archangel. My curiosity was picked further when I noticed that he was making conscious efforts to mask his existence. Was he hiding to have a bit of fun undisturbed? As I was to meet him soon anyway, I resolved it would be easy to find out.<p>

The trail led me to the casino, which upon entering proved to be housing the archangel, as his 'flavour' saturated the air inside. After I was relieved of my cloak and handed the large amount of tokens in exchange for money, I stepped into the main hall, where all the games were taking place.

As far as I could tell, there wasn't a single soul that wasn't human – or the archangel was shielding himself better since he was close enough to sense me. If he wanted a game of cat and mouse, so be it. After all I was the master when it came to finding my mark.

I confidently approached the roulette table and easily mingled with other players. Suddenly, I was glad that my business finally took me to the place where I wasn't standing out. My appearance allowed me to fit in surprisingly well with the upper class, refined clientele and I enjoyed the anonymity.

Seeing as almost all the bets were made, I placed a third of my chips on one.

'No more bets!', announced the dealer.

I watched with interest as he span the roulette wheel in one direction and the ball in the other. The anticipation clearly rose as the ball was gradually slowing down and finally fell into a pocket. I didn't visibly react, but I was pleased that it was the one.

My second bet was on twenty-six, which also won. For the next dozen games I changed the number and increased the sum on stake by adding my winnings to my initial bet. No matter what I did, I was constantly winning.

While the other players wore perplexed expressions, the one of dealer's became downright suspicious. I saw him giving discreet signs to the security. I didn't particularly care – I was having too much fun.

Typically, it didn't last.

'Sir, would you come with us?', asked me one of three guards who were sent to stop me from winning all the money casino had to offer that night. I knew it wasn't a request and after meeting Lucifer it irked me that another presumed to give me orders.

'No, I would not,' I replied, resigned to revert to my usual kind of 'fun'. If the man touches me, he dies and I knew he would.

'It's quite alright. Would you like to join me, sir? Drink's on the house.'

I looked at the blond man in the expensive beige suit who just prevented the instant death of the security guard and I realized that he was without a doubt my mark.

'Certainly,' I responded shortly.

The archangel quickly took me to the VIP room which was empty and apparently soundproofed, as the total silence enveloped us when he closed the door. The strained smile immediately faded from his face. I noted that although his vessel was good-looking, it wasn't very memorable. If not for the elegant, tailored suit, he wouldn't attract much attention. Curious.

I sat myself on comfortable armchair without invitation and looked at him pointedly.

'What can I do for you, Death, sir?', he asked calmly.

His act didn't fool me for a second – judging from his eyes he was nervous and scared but decided to put up a brave front. I wouldn't expect any less from a being of his stature.

'For starters, I would like a drink.'

I leaned back into the seat and watched him squirm as he poured me some brandy. His hands were slightly shaking but he managed not to spill any. I fully approved – it was a fine brandy and shouldn't go to waste. I sipped it calmly and regarded him as he watched me warily before a moment's hesitation pouring himself a glass as well and downing it in one gulp.

'What is your name, son of God?', I asked. Of course I knew the names of the archangels but I didn't know which one he was.

He couldn't hide a flash of surprise that appeared on his features. 'Gabriel', he replied. 'For what purpose did Lucifer send you here? I'm not going against any of my brothers and in return they shouldn't bother me.' All of his previous politeness evaporated giving place to the not so baseless accusations.

'Although a thing like him cannot order a thing like me to do anything, indeed he is a reason why I seeked you out.' My chilly voice carried a menacing qualities that immediately returned Gabriel to the right state of mind. He should really watch his mouth, as I don't tolerate insolence from lesser beings – and it means just about anything but God.

'I intend to regain a full freedom and you have the information necessary to make it happen.'

He stared at me dumbfounded but composed himself before I ran out of patience – and my fuse was running shorter.

'Look, Death, sir, I'm neutral in all of this end of the world circus and helping you would be against Lucifer. I just want to be left alone...'

'Actually, it would be going against both Lucifer and Michael,' I interrupted him swiftly, not wanting to hear his opportunistic excuses. If I didn't need his information, I would have killed him already, for sheer annoyance he represented. As it was, I had little choice but to endure, because disposing of him and finding someone else in his place would be too bothersome.

'It seems the apocalypse was false started. They did not have permission from God, so I do not feel any obligation to follow the script.'

I lapsed into silence which I greatly enjoyed along with the brandy and a pure shock on archangel's face. He must have realized all the implications of this news, because he swallowed a second glass and poured himself next one, which he proceeded to drink with more restraint.

He sank heavily into armchair across from me and finally began talking.

'I guess I should start with Winchesters, as they have broken the first and last seal and now are trying to fix it...'

* * *

><p>Gabriel was the only one in Vegas who had known my true identity and he was very much relieved when I took my leave from the casino (not before collecting my winnings). At least he provided me just the information I needed, so a plan was born. I could roam the city of hazard with clear conscience until the time was ripe for the action. I visited other casinos and despite the fact that I lost many games, my percentage of winnings was higher than the probability allowed for a mere mortal.<p>

Sitting in my trusted companion, Princess, which sped down a highway out of Las Vegas while I munched on a burger, I contemplated the two pesky bacteria Gabriel told me about – Winchesters. Hearing that by all accounts they should be dead a long time ago, was truly aggravating and in the case of Dean Winchester, who died more times than once, plainly infuriating. Unfortunately, my hands were tied as I strongly suspected that they were under God's protection. Oh well, all is not lost that is delayed, the saying goes.

Onto the other matter – where should I lay my trap? I smiled when the memory of a conversation struck me.

'Let's see if the pizza in Chicago is as good as God says.'

Princess' engine roared in agreement.


End file.
